They Call Me Cheeky Chaturanga: Royally Reversed Triangle

Yoga Will Save the World is here with cheeky and playful dating profiles for yoga poses with fun inspired illustrations

Introducing: Royally Reversed Triangle

Age: I was received at the Royal Court the same year as Walter Raleigh brought the potato for the Queen’s fancy. Initially I was overlooked when they realised you could make chips but I soon commanded their attention.

From: I am a descendant from the ancient Indian Royal Family the Mushika’s. I followed Maharaja Mountain Pose here after a summer fling. He was a dog and ran of with that concubine Empress Eagle Pose from the Imperial House of Japan- but I have never looked back.

About me: Courtesans! Court Jesters! Panther (v.important bread makers)! Queen Victoria! I have worked wonders with all their inner thighs. Queen Vic could straddle a pummel horse like an Olympian chasing the Russians for Gold during the Cold War.

Would like to meet: I have been helping the Royal Family bend over for centuries now. They do it for the love of their Country. Regal Forward Bend I would love your help. Interested?

Recent Crush: I had quite a turn when the French came to stay during the Revolution. Le Comte de Spinal Twist gave me a flash of the Crown Jewels during our practice. Vive le France!

Looking for: Getting Wills and Kate flexed, focused and off the Gin so they are ready for their Big Day has kept me dead busy. But I’m back in the Hunt. All you blue-blooded poses out there get in touch with my Yoga-in-Waiting.

Ideal match: I’ve kissed far too many poses in search of my prince. Right now I’m looking for someone to Love Me! Love my Lady Di tea towel collection!

Turn-Ons: http://www.royalyogahotties.com. No inherited genetic virus’ will be caught if you click the link.

Turn-Offs: Henry Eighth in a Squat Pose. He was a regal wrong-un!

Ideal First Date: Triangle Twists alongside Traitors Gate, Warriors at Westminster, Bows at Big Ben and a bunk up at Buckingham Palace afterwards.

Best Friend: Blackadder. When he was in the royal entourage and he passed on valuable family planning advice: “Such activities are beyond my mother. My father only got anywhere near her because he told her it was a cure for diarrhoea.” He is such a romantic.

Favourite Song: God Save the Queen- Sexpistols (sssh! Don’t tell Liz it’s that version)

This time next year I will be dreaming of the time Courtesan Cat Pose and I had Bonnie Prince Charlie in a Pelvic Tilt.

Namaste, yoga will save the world

They Call Me Cheeky Chaturanga: Macho Standing Split

Yoga Will Save the World is here with cheeky and playful dating profiles for yoga poses with fun inspired illustrations

Introducing: Macho Standing Split

Age: A very handsome and virile ancient.

From:  The beautiful Italia. In my time I have been fiddled with by Sophie Loren in the captivating olives groves of Florence; Michelangelo took strength from me when he had Painters Elbow in the dazzling Sistine Chapel, and during the filming of  ‘Up Pompeii’, in the shadows of Mount Vesuvius, Frankie Howard found stimulation in many of my forward bends.

About me: Well Hung -from the hips, of course!

Would like to meet:  At first you might think I am arrogant and narcissistic but scratch below the surface and you will find a truly great pose! Better than Elvis in a Hip-Opener or Gandhi in a Lotus. You will never be a truly worthy partner according to my mamma but try anyway.

Ideal match:  Passionate Peacock. I love a pose who throws themselves into their yoga practice with enviable abandon, who oozes style and who bears a striking resemblance to a voluptuous Botticelli painting.

Looking for:  Wonderful Warrior – Once was wonderful. Twice was terrific. But a third date? That is damned crazy. I am serial romantic looking for a short lived yet life fulfilling relationship.

Turn-ones:  I love Vespas’. And espresso. And A.C.Milan.  And emerging Italian Feminist Discourse.

Turn-offs: Feminism

Ideal First date: Why say it with flowers when you can say it with a good old fashioned pelvic thrust.

Best friend: Noi non potemo avere perfetta vita senza amici – We cannot have a perfect life without friends. Dante whispered that when he came round to borrow a half bottle of Cinzano and some Mozzarella balls.

Recent Crush: Sexy Savasana, If I wear a Fedora and a pair of Spats will be you call me The Godfather? Just asking.

Favourite song:  So Macho – Sinitta

This time next year I shall be happily married. My wife – not so much.

Namaste, yoga will save the world

They Call Me Cheeky Chaturanga: Lucky Lotus

Yoga Will Save the World is here with cheeky and playful dating profiles for yoga poses with fun inspired illustrations

Introducing – Lucky Lotus

Age:  I have the hips of a 21 year addicted to cod liver oil and I have always likened myself to a young Buddha, except I have better hair and am a little naughty.

From: To visit where I am from would mean a wonderful return to the Yangtze River in China. Amongst the ancient water towns, the imperial gardens, the beautifully crafted pagodas and the bustling city of Shanghai I was practiced up and down the river until it was time to pack up the picnic and share the love.

About me: In my time I have been referred to as the ultimate hip opener! I am a classic pose and in Buddhism the lotus flower symbolizes faithfulness. I am always faithful apart from the time when Foxy Firefly and I had a bit of fling at a charity yoga class in Panda City.  To be honest, it was over before I could uncross my legs.

Would like to meet:   Precious Peacock and her slightly racy sister Low Lunge.

Ideal match:  The magnetic  and bewitching Goddess Kurukalla also known as Red Tara. Her mantra is believed, if repeated, ten thousand times, to bring about all of one’s desires.  I am on number 45 as I got distracted by Jamie Oliver’s 30 Minute Dinners.  Om Kurukulle hri svaha! That is number 46! It could be a long wait!

Looking for:  Some poses can only be loved from a distance. Not me! I would love to be smothered by the Fortunate Forward Bend or the Prosperous Plough.

Turn-ons:  Making your own luck – You can depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember it didn’t work for the rabbit.

Turn-offs:  Sitting with a Magic Pearl Qiong between my thighs.

Ideal First date: Join me amongst the stunning stones carving and ancient trees at the Lingering Gardens in Shanghai for some exquisite hip opening: We shall create our own nirvana and have dumplings afterwards.

Best friend:  As Confucius once told me when we were on the swings in the park (the big one, near Tescos) “In the end there are three things that last: faith, hope and love; and the greatest of these is love. He also said that that were three things that do not last and they are IKEA Furniture, underwear from Primark and a tenner on the London Underground.

Recent Crush: Pssst Auspicious Anantasana. Write! We’ll go out, you’ll love it!

Favourite song:  “I should be so lucky” – Kylie

This time next year I will have run away to the Chinese State Circus with the Year of the Rabbit

Namaste, yoga will save the world

They Call Me Cheeky Chaturanga: Poetic Peacock

Yoga Will Save the World is here with cheeky and playful dating profiles for yoga poses with fun inspired illustrations

 

Introducing – Poetic Peacock

Age:  How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you were?

From: I am from Thrissur in India and we host the most colorful temple festival in the world with grand processions of gold adorned elephants ridden by priests carrying bright  multi-coloured silk parasols and peacock feathers.  Our Vadakkunathan Temple hosts a bit of an all-nighter with some serious dancing and a blaze of fireworks to end the evening. Visit ticketmaster.com for more information.

About me:  I liken my soul to Prana which fills me with vital energy and life and my underwear to be Prada which fills me with vital delight and gorgeous pants.

Would like to meet:  Handsome Headstand, don’t tell anyone, but meet me at sunrise on corner of the Achyutaraya Temple. We can spend the day posing in the morning mist amongst the forgotten shrines and deciphering mythological freezes. Then we can get chips and pea fritters.

Ideal match:  An inferno of colour erupts and the dancing bells start ringing every time I catch sight of Sexy Savasansa. They are the ying to my yang, the ping to my pong  and the sea salt with crushed black peppercorns to my sweet chilli.

Looking for: The Goddess Kerala, who through the night and into the early hours, to the sound of the drumming and cymbal rhythms, twists and spins her way through an array of poses by firelight.  Her silver anklets and charm bracelets keeping a continuous beat to the drumming and lyrical chants.

Turn-ons:  The Thar Desert by moonlight followed by a Mr Whippy 99er

Turn-offs:  Dating websites

Ideal First date:  Romantically paddling down the Ganges River in the ‘City of Light’ just before sunrise. It might whiff a little and there will be lots of hawkers selling tea towels but with some strategic dabbing of the vics-vapour rub all should be well.

Best friend:  The rumors about Mischievous Monkey and I are not quite exact. It is not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.

Recent Crush: Witty Warrior – No one loves you more than me. No one.

Favourite song:  Hot Legs by Rod Stewart

This time next year I will be starring in a Bollywood film at the Mumbai Metro. It is a cross between  Gandhi meets Top Gun meets London Transport.

Namaste, yoga will save the world

Peacock Postscript. If you would like to read more of the “Cheeky” dating profiles scroll back up,  glance slightly to your right and on the side bar is a link that once clicked all will appear. It is not quite like rubbing the Genie’s lamp but you never know!

They Call Me Cheeky Chaturanga: Fabulous Forward Bend

Yoga Will Save the World is here with cheeky and playful dating profiles for yoga poses with fun inspired illustrations

Age: In my opinion, age doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.

From: The Peckham Shala, and in the words of Frank Sinatra; ‘If we can make it here we can make It anywhere’

About me: Tall, fabulous, flexible, strong, handsome, yet often grossly inaccurate Forward Bend seeking a pose to join them in my amazing yoga studio at the top of Mount Everest in the Himalayas for lots of omm-ings. Pose must abandon reality and embrace a creative truth and a love of musical theatre.

Would like to meet: I would like to meet the Dashing Downward Facing Dog. No! Wait! The Mischievous Monkey. Decisive pose seeks mate.

Ideal match: I have been complimented many times about my forward bends and they always embarrass me; I always feel they haven’t said enough. Looking for a pose to share my humble life with and a passion for worcester sauce Twiglets could get you to the top of the list.

Looking for: Looking to merge the energies of my ‘ha’ (hot energy of the sun) with a poses ‘tha’ (cool energy of the moon) Understanding of thermostatic controls and central heating a bonus.

Turn-ons: Living in circles and loving in triangles

Turn-offs: Tiresome Tree pose – I wish we were better strangers.

Ideal First date: I like my dates to be gloriously spontaneous. Please fill in the attached spreadsheet on your availability, preferences and allergies. Poses replying who have not used the spreadsheets colour code properly will not be considered.

Best friend: My curious friend Cobra once gave me some good advice. He said; ‘If you love someone set them free; if they come back change the locks’ Recent

Crush: We have all made mistakes. Mine was an incident involving Mr Yoga Pose 2009 and a jam roly-poly – we should have used custard!

Favourite song:
I am what I am
I don’t want praise I don’t want pity
I bang my own drum
Some think it’s noise I think it’s pretty
And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle
Why not see things from a different angle
Your life is a shame
Till you can shout out I am what I am
– ‘Gloria Gaynor’

This time next year I will have run away to join the circus for capers and a serious relationship with Twinkle the Clown.

Namaste, yoga will save the world

The Call Me Cheeky Chaturanga: Foxy Firefly

Yoga Will Save the World is here with cheeky and playful dating profiles for yoga poses with fun inspired illustrations.

Age: Getting a date when you say you are two thousand years old is hard so I am going to say I am 26 years old and whilst not socially great I have tremendous buttocks.

From: I am from a family of advanced poses and I am stronger than a triple espresso with a biscotti biscuit chaser.

About me: They say you are what you stretch: I’m six squats, four forward bends, two arm balances and – since I had a rub of deep heat this afternoon- a pelvic thrust and a 180 degree leg stretch.

Would like to meet:  I would like to meet someone who has the charisma of Charming Cobra, the vision on Vivacious Vinyasa and the bosoms of Dolly Parton.

Ideal Match: I am Mr Firefly you are Ms Goddess, your parents are Mr and Mrs Sun Salutation and your brother is Mr Big ‘ Don’t Muck About With My Sister ‘ Toe Pose.

Looking For:  Mountain Pose I would like you to love me until my hearts stops or I get cramp- whichever comes first.

Turn-ons: Yoga Provocateur knickers

Turn-offs: The Yoga Census.

Recent Crush: I am just a Firefly squatting in front of a Lotus asking her to love him.

Ideal date: If we hit it off and embark on a serious relationship I will treat you to a beautiful feast of cheesy strings and organic Cherry Tango.

Favourite song.  “Feet in the Clouds” – Paul McCartney

Best friend:  Mudita Bhavana, they always help me understand that taking delight and joy in the good fortune of others helps us create more happiness for ourselves.

This time next year I will be increasing my flexibility and releasing some tension with Garland Pose.

Namaste, yoga will save the world

P to the s: Check out the handy new sidebar on le blog to read the other Cheeky posts or to join the facebook page. x

They Call Me Cheeky Chaturanga: Handsome Headstand

Introducing Handsome Headstand

Age: I am celebrating my third millennium at a retreat in Italy. I don’t feel old though. I don’t feel anything till noon. That’s when it’s time for my nap.

From: I am from a family of seven headstands. It has been said that we are quite competitive and often get dizzy seeing who can outdo each other.

About me: Thousands years of standing on my head has played havoc with my hair but nothing a tub of V05 hair gel can’t sort- Mega Ultra Hold.  Three other things you should know about me: I can be upside down for hours; I can do a weird trick with my left nostril involving a small Cath Kidston watering can; and finally Sting stalked me for 10 years. Now you.

Would like to meet: A goddess! Saraswati to exact. As the goddess of knowledge and art I’ve heard she might be able to teach me a thing or two!

Ideal Match: Yoga Mats United are playing Brown Rice Rovers and are winning 3-0. This could be why I am single! It’s either that or the reoccurring case of Yoga Foot I have. Call me!

Looking for: Wanderlust Warrior: fate will bring us together hopefully leg muscles won’t tear us apart.

Turn ons: A cushion

Turn off: Tight hair bobbles that cause a Croydon facelift to occur.

Recent Crush: Eagle Pose. Long legs, great knees. Fit.

Favourite song: I’m so Dizzy- Vic Reeves

Best friend: As Winnie the Pooh once said. “If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.” That is what I think of my great pal Sun Salutation A.

Ideal first date: Singing ‘Don’t look back in anger’ with Spinal Twist. Ken’s Karaokee is legendary.

This time next year I will be…head over heals with shoulder stand.

Namaste, yoga will save the world

They Call Me Cheeky Chaturanga: Raunchy Reverse Triangle

Introducing Raunchy Reverse Triangle aka Parivrtta Trikonasana

Age
4000 years old but with good lighting and a squint of the eye could pass for 3500. Credit goes to the yoga that has started my days since I was a teenager.

From
I’m a bit of a hippie and love to travel the world. I’ve have been nearly everywhere but I never been to Ely or Aberystwyth. I’ll go there next year.

Vital Statistics
Before we get any closer there are two things you should know about me: I have been known to be a bit of a knee trembler in my time and I can do an amazing trick with the said bent knee, a yoga sock and an incense stick – what a sensation that has caused in its time.

Would like to meet
Mr Shoulder Stand and his brother Mr Plough Pose. All those inverted poses make my heart thump, especially when they are brothers, and especially when they have such great shoulders.

Ideal match
Sun Salutation B: I’m always left breathless.

Looking for
Five long breaths with Cobra: Cobra if you are reading this, call me!

Turn-ons
Thighs – The stronger the better.

Turn-offs
If we meet please don’t wobble your knees as much. It makes me nervous that you may be a bit unbalanced.

Recent Crush
Lotus Pose – you have always been a bit of a hip turner. Will you marry me? Please say yes, otherwise I will have to pay £8.99 to re-post my advert next week.

Ideal First date
Aneveningwitharelaxedposewhogoeswiththeflowandwhoisseemlessintheirpractice.

Who is on your phone’s speed dial
Straight forward, reliable and to the point – that is my pal the Big Toe Pose, such a sweetie.

Favourite song
Hips don’t lie” by Shakira. This reached No.1 in 26 countries including Guatemala .

This time next year I will be… creating some serious right angles with the Pyramid Pose. Namaste, yoga will save the world.

They Call Me Cheeky Chaturanga: Vivacious Vinyasa

“They call me cheeky Chaturanga”
Introducing – Vivacious Vinyasa

Age
An optimistic two thousand years old. My exact birth date was lost with some other ancient manuscripts and the manual for the microwave. However, I had a make-over in the Halcyon Days of the 1930’s and been having a ball since.

From
I was born under the third tree from the left on Mount Kailash in the Himalayas. I have been told when I was born, the wind, who had just blown in from the east, stood up and whistled with joy or perhaps that was the day they got the bonus ball on the lottery.  I then swept my way to Mysore, India, to be with my good pal Pattabhi Jois. What a great guy; he took me in and showed me the world- what an amazing trip we’ve had.

About me
I have been told I am high-spirited and forward-looking.  My hands are always firmly planted on the ground as I gaze ahead and glide through life. I try not to hesitate to often as it stops me achieving my goals.

Would like to meet
Crow. I cannot guarantee you will fall in love with me but I can promise that I will show you the best leg movements you have ever seen!

Ideal match
I was voted ‘Hips of Hampstead’ and you were voted ‘Bum of Bournemouth’. What a weekend that was! Same time next year?

Looking for
A one-night practice with Easy Pose.

Turn-ons
High hips and shiny floors.

Turn-offs
The last five poses (you know who you are) in reply to my column have all said their hobbies are touching their toes with their nose.  Steady up there tigers– even Dolly Parton would be stretched to make a love song out of that lot.

Recent Crush
Crane, whatever you think, it is not you! Please move on, it has been three years already.

Ideal First date
An evening at a ‘Yoga will save the world’ class. I might be a little nervous at first but I’ve heard excellent introductions are made there. Legs crossed – this is not what you think (naughty) it is part of the pose!

Best friend
Peacock: He likes to show off what he calls his Pungu Mayurasana (don’t worry; he doesn’t need a cream for that). I call it a one armed push up with legs in the air. He is single and it is good not to mistake his boldness for arrogance.

Favourite song
“My Humps” by the Black Eyed Peas

This time next year I will be… Creating an abundance of internal heat with Sun Salutation A. Ssshhh, don’t tell Sun Salutation B. Namaste, yoga will save the world.

Want to read more about the Cheeky Chaturanga series?
Find the introduction here and Sexy Savasana’s profile right here.  Thanks. x

They Call Me Cheeky Chaturanga: Sexy Savasana

Introducing
– Corpse Pose aka Sexy Savasana

Age: Very old, bordering ancient. Good posture though.

From: I was born in a four room cave in Tibet. We moved to China when I was little and I have spent a fair bit of time in India. I am often seen on the beaches of Goa and Sydney, and in the studios of Putney.

Vital Statistics: I spend a lot of time lying down, living life in a relaxed way. Eyes closed, palms up, no fidgeting.

Would like to meet: Guru: a spiritually enlightened soul who can dispel darkness and ignorance from your mind and enlighten your consciousness. If he is not free then Caleb from the Kings of Leon will do.

Ideal Match: Headstand – opposites do attract!

Looking for: A long term relationship: I am not as easy as I look, however, once I am relaxed I’d love to stay around and get to know you.

Turn ons: Inner silence

Turn offs: Itchy foreheads and drafty doors

Recent Crush: I have memorised every pose that Warrior have ever done.  That is not stalking. The judge did stay to stop, but a few more times and the wall collage, in dedication, will be complete. I heart Warrior.

Ideal first date: A warm hut half way up the Hindu Kush.  Kettle on, ginger snaps waiting.

Favourite song: ‘Relax’- Frankie goes to Hollywood

Who is on your speed dial: Kati Chakrasana who often goes by the nickname of the Waist Rotating Pose. Always up for dancing and won a red rosette in the ashtanga hula hooping contest.

In five years time I will be… lying on a beach near Melbourne. Namaste, yoga will save the world.